


A Letter To My Brother

by JJ1564



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean Bears The Mark of Cain, Depression, Gen, Heavy Angst, Season/Series 09 Spoilers, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-11
Updated: 2014-08-11
Packaged: 2018-02-12 17:26:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2118486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JJ1564/pseuds/JJ1564
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam finds a letter Dean left behind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Letter To My Brother

**Author's Note:**

> SPOILERS FOR S9 so if you haven't watched that season yet you may want to avoid this.
> 
> I was listening to Robert Plant and Alison Krauss singing 'Please Read The Letter' and wondered what Dean would say in a final letter to his little brother, this is the rather sad and depressing result!
> 
> Un-beta'd, so any comments and feedback are extremely welcome.

Sam wandered listlessly around the bunker, completely at a loss to know what to do, where to go, what had happened to his brothers body. He had tried summoning Crowley but nothing happened. Castiel's stolen grace was fading and although he had come as soon as he heard about Dean's death, he could do nothing to help Sam now. No one could. His brother's body was just gone and it was worse in some ways than seeing Dean lying so still and cold on the bed. Sam went back into Dean's too-tidy bedroom and looked at the bed again, as if he could find clues to track Dean from the still-rumpled sheets. He picked up the photo Dean kept of their mom by his bedside and behind it was a folded sheet of paper with two words written on it - _For Sam_.

Sam opened it and sat down heavily on the bed, his knees feeling weak as he saw his brothers familiar neat and careful handwriting.

_Hey Sam_

_If you're reading this then it means that things didn't go as I planned and I want you to know I'm okay with that. Thing is, Sammy, I'm so tired of it all, the endless struggling against monsters, demons and those fucking winged-douche-bag angels_ _. And you too, I'm tired of the struggle with you. I'm so tired of you hating me, ignoring me, acting like I'm some random stranger you're stuck with and not your brother._

Sam felt a weight in his chest, like his heart had grown heavy, but that was impossible because his heart had broken, shattered. But the guilt weighed heavily; he did that, he treated Dean with contempt and hurt him so much, more than he had realised, more than he ever intended to. Sam rubbed his sore eyes and carried on reading, holding the letter tightly, trying to keep his hands from shaking. 

_I'm writing this and the Mark is burning, white hot, searing into my arm and spreading through my body, like fucking poison and it's hard to focus, hard to push down the need. Sam, all I can think about is killing, which is fucking ironic when that's basically been my purpose my whole life. Kill the yellow eyed demon, hunt things, kill things,save folks along the way - enough to try to justify it all. Kill more things, kill demons, kill Leviathan, kill, kill, kill. Purgatory was one long nightmare of kill or be killed and I survived. I'm becoming what I was always destined to be, a blunt instrument, a weapon. I've killed for you, Sammy, I've died for you. I'd do it all again every fucking God-awful second, for you._

_I am a selfish son of a bitch, you're right, because I never wanted to see you die. Never wanted a world without you in it. I barely made it through that year after Stull, thinking you were in hell that whole time. Lisa and Ben got me through. But you can do it Sam, you can get by without me, you did a great job living normal when I was in purgatory and you can do it again. Go back to school, go back to Amelia, have 2 kids and 5 dogs or 5 kids and 2 dogs, be happy._

Sam could no longer see the page through the tears stinging his eyes. He wiped them away and blinked, trying to focus. Dean never understood why he didn't look for him that year, Sam barely understands it himself now. At the time he was in shock, so stunned he had no idea what to do, where to go. No one to turn to. He was completely alone and it seemed to make him freeze, immobile, useless. Just getting through each day was a major achievement. Then he had met Amelia and life had a purpose again. He could smile again. And all the while Dean was fighting for his life and thinking that Sam would save him. Sam closed his eyes and scrunched the letter in his hand as he vowed that this time he will find Dean, save Dean, nothing will stop him. Sam straightened the paper and took a deep breath. 

_Seeing your scrawny little ass in the crib the day you were born is one of my earliest memories. You were so fucking tiny, you looked so fragile, I was scared to touch you but mom told me to go ahead and I stroked your cheek and you opened your eyes and looked right at me. Crap, I'm getting off the point here_.

Sam started to cry again; he could hear Dean's voice saying those words, hear the break in his voice as he described the  very moment he became Sam's. He was always Sam's. He can imagine a tear running down Dean's face at that point and see Dean wiping it away angrily with his hand, always too proud to show his emotions. Or too scared. Sam could no longer stop the tears and he rolled onto his side in the bed, Dean's bed, where his body had laid just a day ago. He cried until his chest hurts, his nose was clogged up and his head pounded. Sam forced himself upright and a wave of nausea hit him. He rushed to the bathroom and vomited into the toilet bowl, sobbing again and gulping air between heaves. Sam washed his face and brushed his teeth, straightened his shoulders and went back into Dean's room. 

_What I wanna say is you've always been in my heart from that moment, you've always been my responsibility, looking after you, caring for you, worrying about you, it's been my life, you've been my life, I don't regret anything except these past months._

_I'm sorry I hurt you, sorry I tricked you, sorry I let you down. I guess that's what I'm good at, letting you down, just like I did dad, Kevin, Bobby, Jo, everyone who's lives I ruined. Everyone's gotta be good at something, right? Smile Sammy, you know i'm funny!_

Sam hated that Dean always blamed himself for everything that went wrong, every bad thing in their lives, every death of a friend. Sam hated that he never told his brother how amazing he was, how brave and strong. That he was a hero. Sam's hero.

_Fuck, dunno if it's the chick flick moment but the Mark's hurting like a bitch, more than before and it won't stop until I kill. Killing before was part of the job and I can't lie and say I never enjoyed it, I did. But now it's more, it's all I can think of Sammy and it scares the crap outta me._

Sam felt sick again, took deep breaths and waited until the room stopped spinning. He had no idea that Dean had been carrying this burden around for all these months. Sure, he knew the Mark affected him and when he held the Blade he turned into something more than Dean, more that human, something feral and terrifying. Sam should have done more, helped Dean, been there for Dean. Yet all he had done was shut him out and punish his brother for loving him too much.

_So I'm ready to go this time Sammy, hell I was ready to go all those years back when dad died for me, but I can't live like this no more. I'm so tired of it all and I just want an end. I don't expect peace, doubt I'll get to heaven, pretty sure I'm heading back downstairs but that's okay. Home from home._

_Crap I'm talking rubbish here just wanna say it's okay Sammy, let me go, you said you wouldn't save me and I don't want you to. And Sammy, just wanna say I'm so proud of you, proud of the man that scrawny baby has become, proud of all you've done._

_Look after my wheels, be happy, get your hair cut._

_Your brother, always,_

_Dean_

Sam screwed the paper up in his fist and hurled it across the room. He saw his mom and little Dean in the photo, laughing and happy and he screamed and cried and hurled abuse at God and the universe in general for killing that little boy along with his mom all those years ago, for the life of self-sacrifice and pain Dean was forced to lead. For all the times Dean had suffered and died. He cried for himself too because his brother has gone. And a sick knot of worry in his gut told him that  wherever Dean is, whatever had happened to him, won't be good. He wished Dean were dead, that he could wrap his body and give him the hunter's funeral he deserved. He wished Dean were alive and would walk in and tell him to grow a pair Samantha. 

Sam showered, changed his clothes, packed up his duffle bag and headed out to the Impala. He could do two of the things Dean asked, he could look after the Impala, he could visit the barbers, but he could never be happy again. 

 

 

 


End file.
